Lessons From A Dream

For me, dreams have often been a source of spiritual insight and clarity. A few years ago, I had a particularly profound dream that helped me to integrate one of my most potent life lessons: the death of my mother from leukemia when I was five years old.

In my dream, I was walking down a neighborhood street talking with my mother. We came upon a house and entered it. It was my dad’s house and he was working at his desk in the bay window.

I asked my dad if mom could stay the night. He smiled gracefully and said, “Of course, that would be nice.”

My mother disappeared from the scene and my father proceeded to tell me, “You know, your mother had to die in order for you to have this relationship with her as an adult.”

In that instant, I burst into tears. Tears of grief for all the years I was without her—all the loss, all the loneliness, all the pain. But simultaneously, I understood the truth of his words. I understood that her absence allowed me to grow into the woman I am today, to develop deep compassion and insight, to ask difficult questions about life, death and Spirit, and to develop my connection to the world of Spirit and the energy of our loved ones that continues even after they have left the physical realm of existence.

My dad has often told me that if my mother had lived, we probably would have had a lot of conflict because she was very strong and opinionated and so am I.

I can easily imagine the rebellion I would have gone through trying to meet her expectations and trying to be my own person. In her absence, I did not have that rebellion. I was left to my own devices to discover who I am as a woman and how I show up in the world.

As I entered my early 20s, I reached out to some friends of my mother and asked questions about what she was like. In their stories, I heard so many similarities between who she was and how I am. Similarities that I can only imagine were passed through genetics and spirit rather than through her physical nurturing. It gave me insight into my ancestral connection, the way that those who have passed before us are woven into our own experience. I don’t believe I would have come to this understanding without having had the experience of her loss.

I also learned about her, what motivated her in her work and the way she showed up in relationships. In this too, I saw myself and came to believe that I am a living extension of her life’s purpose.

When I was somewhat older, I began to connect more with my mother spiritually. I would share conversations with her in my mind. On several occasions, when speaking to people who have an intuitive connection to the other side, they would share with me that, “You’re mother is very proud of you. She is proud of all the work you have done and the woman you have become.” It may be easy to dismiss such a message once, or even twice, as a low hanging fruit statement of a psychic imposter, but this was the message I received over and over, five or six times from different individuals. It was perhaps the most meaningful message I could have received. I very much wanted to make my mother proud and it eased my heart to know she is proud of me.

The experience of loss at such a young age, led me to question the nature of life and death and my own purpose in the world. I think people often ask these questions as they grow older, but in my mothers absence I got a head start on this line of questioning. Her death left me feeling quite lost and lonely, separate from others and out of place. That experience of deep pain built within me a deep compassion for the suffering of others and a first hand understanding of grief and trauma.

The personal work of climbing out of this emotional hole as I matured, built within me a great fortitude and resilience. I learned how to connect with my emotions and process them in new ways so that I could heal from the scars of my loss. This process of personal healing has fueled my work as a healer and personal coach. I am quite comfortable being with people in their pain, which I must say is not a skill we all possess. It has allowed me to connect with friends and clients in their hours of emotional need and help to provide a guiding light in their own process. I can honestly say that I don’t believe I would have the same talent for the work that I do if it were not for my own walk through despair and darkness into hope and light.

In my mid twenties, I opened myself to the understanding that although my mother died, she is not truly gone. I still sense her presence from time to time and see her influence in the way I have developed as a person. From time to time, I also believe she sends me messages and signs in the form of a song, an intuition or a dream.

Life and death are a part of the natural cycle for all living things under creation. In Sanskrit, the five seed sounds—SSS, TTT, NNN, MMM, AAA—make the mantra Sa Ta Na Ma. In Kundalini Yoga, this is the foundation for the Kirtan Kriya. Sa can be translated to mean infinity; Ta means life; Na means death; and Ma means rebirth. Together, these are the cycle of creation: Infinity, life, death, and rebirth. This is a cycle we are all a part of, one that we cannot cheat or overcome, but when we come to understand this natural order, we find our connection to all of creation, through space and time. My mother may have died when I was young, but she is not gone, she is not dead, she is somewhere along this cycle of creation.